I'm Kitten, a Neutral Good pansexual poly pagan geek mom living in Seattle, actively searching for new ideas and new connections. I'm a strange mix of experienced and n00b when it comes to poly; I've been actively living the poly lifestyle since 1997, but have lived in mostly small towns, and have kindof stumbled into partners by accident. I have never experienced a poly community...until very recently. This has opened up a whole new world to me, as well as new pitfalls that I'd never been aware of. Join me as I chronicle my journey into this incredibly rewarding lifestyle.
Note: Nicknames or initials will always be used in this blog. If you think you know who I'm referring to, DO NOT call them out by name or use identifying characteristics.
"A slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you." -Dossie Easton
From a FB post of mine this morning: “I am off to the courthouse to witness the death of promises. A moment of silence, then…onwards to an even better vision, dreams and hopes for the future.”
Today was the day I’ve been both hoping for and dreading for months: my divorce from Drake was finalized.
One of the most painful chapters of my life (and that’s SAYING something) has just come to a close. I am shocked by just how much I’m hurting over it. I’ve been actively working for months to bring this to a close, and now that it’s over, I’m just as bereft as I am relieved.
Sitting in that courtroom, I couldn’t help but flash back.
To the day I met Drake, and the sure and certain knowledge that I could find a happiness I had yet to know with this man.
The day I moved in with him, fitting our lives together.
The day we got our marriage license, so excited to be beginning this journey, so hopeful.
The day we wed, on the beach on Maui, with the waves crashing behind us. The vows we wrote, so personalized and meaningful for us, promising to always cherish one another.
The day we bought our first house, after months of heartbreak in the search, and finding just the right place to begin the next bit of our story.
The day our son was born, after a dangerous and fearful pregnancy, and seeing that fatherlove blossom on Drake’s face for the first time, seeing it hit him right in the heart and bring him to his knees with tenderness and fierce joy.
The day I nearly died, fading in and out of consciousness in our bedroom as the ambulance crew loaded me up, and the only thing that mattered to me was making sure he knew how much I loved our family. Waking up in the ICU with him at my side and being so relieved that I would be able tell him.
And all the days in between, knowing I was in the right place, with the right person, that our family was sure and strong, that we could handle anything life threw at us as long as we faced it together.
All of that flashed through my heart today, as I sat, choking back tears, waiting for the court official who would bring it all to an end.
Our names were called, we stood in front of the commissioner, the lawyer asked a series of questions. When she asked us both if the marriage was irretrievably broken with no chance of reconciliation, it broke my heart afresh that the answer was, “Yes.”
And with that, it was over. Ten questions, the commissioner signed, and a chapter encompassing seven years of my life was done.
So little fanfare. It seemed anticlimactic.
I was able to hold it together on the ride home, but once I was alone, I couldn’t hold back the tide any longer. All that grief and pain came rushing to the fore, and I laid in my bed and sobbed. And sobbed. Long past when I thought I should be done, more continued to bubble to the surface.
I haven’t really allowed myself to truly mourn the end of my relationship with Drake. There’s been too much to DO in working towards bringing it all to a conclusion. All of that came out today.
And now that THAT’S out, I can move on. Paraphrasing another FB post I made several hours ago: I am far too blessed in my current life and relationships to allow myself to be sad for long. So I’m allowing myself this one day to be blue, to look back and sigh over lost hopes and dreams then…onwards.
Today, I cry. Tomorrow…I’ma make you my bitch.