Adventures in Polyamory

I JUST (as in about an hour ago) finished reading a book that explains exactly why I think the way that I think and act the way that I act in relationships (romantic or otherwise). It’s called Attached, by Drs. Levine and Heller. I firmly believe this book should be required reading for polys, right up there with Ethical Slut, Sex at Dawn, and Open. I learned so much about myself, why former partnerships failed…it even explained exactly why my mother is so toxic to me.

Everyone should pick up a copy of this book and read it immediately. Not only has it assisted me in deciphering past relationships, it’s definitely going to help me in current partnerships, and will make a massive difference in any future interactions.

Even if you’re not dating, have no plans to date, I strongly suggest picking up this book. Its lessons are transformative in all interactions, whether romantic or not, poly or not. It’s a quick read, and the value of what you’ll learn will quickly outstrip the fairly small purchase price.

Here’s a link to the book. No, I’m not affiliated with the authors or publisher in any way. :)

Ask anyone who knows me, and they’ll confirm that I’m an optimist. I tend to view life through rose-colored glasses (sometimes to my detriment). No matter how bad the news, it’s rare for me to be down about it for any real length of time. I bounce back fairly quickly, because I can pretty much always see the bright side.

Side note: my favorite movie growing up was Pollyanna. *giggle*

My sunny, bouncy, positive self fails me, however, if I begin to look inwards. When I see where I’ve failed, where I’m lacking, or just where I could have done something better, I have a hard time simply learning the lesson and moving on. In other words, I beat the crap out of myself.

For example, if something happens in an interpersonal relationship (be it romantic or otherwise), I pretty much always automatically take the blame internally. I start looking for the ways I’ve messed up, thinking of how I could have done things better (but in a negative, why-didn’t-you-do-it-that-way-you-idiot way rather than a what-lesson-can-I-take-from-this-to-do-better-next-time way).

The thing is, that’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you’re looking for failure, you’ll find it.

I’m precisely the opposite with everyone else. No matter what you’ve done, no matter who you are, I will nearly always assume your motives are not the bottom of the barrel. In fact, I tend to give everyone the highest benefit of the doubt, and assume the absolute best of their intentions. Even if all the evidence supports a much worse conclusion.

In my divorce, I was blindsided by what my ex did and said in his papers. Not because the evidence wasn’t there, but because I simply couldn’t believe otherwise of him. And even to this day, I continue to often give him the benefit of the doubt. I very, very rarely jump to a bad conclusion (let alone the worst one), even after all that’s happened between us.

I AM naive, I know, and this does get me hurt…but it’s who I am, and I’ve learned to embrace it, not try to alter it. So why do I have such a hard time applying this nature to myself?

I’m a counselor. I don’t do it professionally any longer, but for a while, I assisted those who were in crisis. I have a large toolbox at my disposal to help one break that negative cycle of thought. And yet, I don’t seem to be able to utilize those tools when I myself need them, and I get caught in the very same spiral of dark, self-defeating (and self-perpetuating) thoughts that I used to help people escape.

This speaks a little to my previous post about “filling the silence,” which I know that I do. I have been working on that using my cognitive behavioral therapy tools, and I am improving. Eventually I will reprogram that bit of my brain to automatically spit out something at least neutral rather than negative when a worry pops up.

But this self-focused pessimism goes much deeper than that. When I have a worry about a relationship, I have a hard time seeing all of the positive things that should diminish that worry. All I seem to be able to see are the (much smaller) negative things that reinforce my anxiety.

And anxiety is my kryptonite. Once I start feeling anxious, I start seeing the negatives, I get more anxious, I start seeing more negatives, and I fall into the Pit of Despair (tm). And Fezzik and the Spaniard are not going to come rescue me.

So. Major character project. I need to figure out how to break that particular cycle before I fall into the Pit. 

The basic cognitive behavioral piece is this: contradict a negative or damaging thought with a positive one. Repeat. This helps to reprogram the brain; if you do it enough, the time interval between the negative and positive thought begins to decrease. The desired outcome is that over time, the positive thoughts will replace the negative entirely.

For my character project, I will need a much heavier-handed approach.

First: When I begin to feel anxious about something, I need to stop and breathe. In a panel on jealousy at Polycamp last year, I learned that if you can sit through the first 15 minutes of a negative emotion without reacting, the worst of it will dissipate, and one can think much more clearly. Many of the actions that I’ve taken when in the grip of anxiety end up causing more damage rather than mitigating the situation, no matter how positive my intentions are. I need to learn how to sit with the emotion without taking action until I’ve reached an equilibrium.

Second: I need to list positives that counter the negatives my brain will be shouting at me. Every single thing that contradicts, no matter how small, needs to be listed. And it will help to physically write them down, not just list them mentally. 

Third: I will read and re-read this list to myself as often as necessary, whenever anxiety begins to creep up again. 

Fourth: When I have the anxiety reasonably under control, I will determine the root cause. If it’s something I can/should fix on my own, I will do so. If it’s something that I need outside input on, I will get that input. If it’s something I need to ask for from someone else, I will ask. 

Now, I have a list or three to go write for myself, so if you’ll excuse me…

This. Oh, this. http://tacit.livejournal.com/378670.html It’s not that new relationships aren’t threatening to existing relationships…they ARE. It’s how you handle it that makes the difference.

Particularly these lines: “…adopt a policy of resilience—to know that even if things change in my relationship, I will be OK. Another is to advocate for my needs; if I need something from my partner that I’m not getting, but I don’t ask for it, clearly and directly, then it’s not my partner’s fault if I don’t have it. Still another is transparency—always sharing with my partner, even things that might be hard to talk about or that I’m afraid my partner might not want to hear.

These tools don’t make it 100% safe for my partner to start new relationships. But then, nothing can do that; there’s no choice my partner makes that’s ever 100% safe for our relationship, and I think it’s time to acknowledge that.”

And I think this is my motto, which I already practice and believe in, but Franklin says FAR more eloquently than I: “Any new relationship will potentially introduce new elements and new stressors to my relationship. I don’t mind, as long as I know that my partner is dedicated to preserving our relationship, and that my partner and I have the skills, the willingness, the desire, and the intention of making choices that will protect our existing relationship.”

In response to a post of mine in which I mentioned I was struggling with some baggage and insecurities as a result of my divorce, a very dear friend sent me this blog post. It’s about what some of us do in the void between communications, and how very damaging we can be to ourselves. 

What do you project into the silence? 

That blog post is spot-on. When there is no communication, when I’m waiting to hear back from someone and the time stretches on, I begin to fill the quiet with my own interpretations, and they are invariably the most damaging to my psyche.

Why do I do that? Part of it is conditioning, from past relationships. And part of it is insecurities - I don’t think all that highly of myself, and so I keep waiting for others to see what it is that I see in myself. For clarification, I don’t necessarily think poorly of myself, I think I’m pretty neat…but I don’t think I’m anything all that special, either. And the way things went down with my divorce really reinforced that for me. I’m still clawing my way back from that.

In addition, I have this coping mechanism: when I have an emotional reaction to something, I tend to take a step back and disassemble it. I try to separate it into its components and understand what’s going on underneath the emotions. Once I can understand the mechanics, the emotional reaction tends to dissipate. However, I run into a roadblock: sometimes, even when I understand the mechanics, there’s a piece that I can’t fix myself. It requires the input or effort of another person…and I struggle with feeling as if I’m asking for too much to request it.

I keep feeling like I have to fix it all, do it all, myself. I’m poly, therefore I’m responsible for my own well-being, right? I’m supposed to take care of myself, of my own needs, and not place expectations on my partners.

That’s where I’m stuck. I’m currently deep in introspection about two things that have come to my attention, and ferreting out how much of these two things are due to my own expectations, and how much I should be expected to handle on my own.

The caveat: I honestly feel like I should handle it all on my own, that it’s not my partners’ responsibility to alter anything about them or their lives in order to accommodate me and my issues. So, if I can’t fix it, I have to learn to accept it.

And in trying to figure out how to accept it, I’m running smack into the aforementioned insecurities, and I’m suddenly feeling very broken and afraid.

In discussing this with a metamour (thank GODS for amazing metamours! <3), I was given this quote: “Fear is the mind killer, fear is the little death which brings total obliteration.”

I need to conquer this fear. I’ve done a damn good job so far with not allowing the fears programmed into me by the demise of my marriage to overtake me, and prevent me from experiencing the joy I’m currently basking in. I need to keep that up, and not let the fear nudge me into messing things up.

Because, honestly? My current partnership is the best partnership I’ve ever experienced. So much love, peace and joy on a daily basis.

Can’t let my brain fuck this one up. 

#FacesOfPolyamory

We want to create a world where everyone can be open about their relationship choices - without worrying about losing jobs and losing children. We want to show the world that polyamorous people are normal, stable, healthy, friendly, contributing members of society. And we’re cute too!

After presenting this idea at a poly potluck last night, many people volunteered to have their pictures taken and shared with a short statement about what polyamory means to them. We’ll be posting these regularly over the coming weeks.

We would love for as many people as possible to participate! Post a picture of yourself, along with a personal statement about what poly means to you and as much of your name as you feel comfortable sharing. Use the “FacesOfPolyamory” tag. We will re-blog and share across our network.

We need to give polyamory as many faces as possible.

Saw this post on one of my poly FB groups and simply HAD to share it.

Perfect illustration of non-hierarchical poly.

This here video is me, performing at the 2012 Emerald City Comic Con in the karaoke contest. I didn’t do too badly, considering I was scared out of my gourd to be singing in front of so many people! The largest audience I’d ever sung in front of before is about 50. This room was the same room the con put George Takei into for his panel. I would guess there were at least 2,000 people in the room that night, perhaps more.

Enjoy! The video is poor, but the audio came out pretty great for a cell phone!