Adventures in Polyamory

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I'm Kitten, a Neutral Good pansexual poly pagan geek mom living in Seattle, actively searching for new ideas and new connections. I've been living the poly lifestyle since 1997, am married with two children, and enjoy the attention of two additional partners. I moved to Seattle in 2011, and have been openly poly ever since. This has opened up a whole new world to me, as well as new pitfalls that I'd never been aware of. Join me as I chronicle my journey into this incredibly rewarding lifestyle.

Note: Nicknames or initials will always be used in this blog. If you think you know who I'm referring to, DO NOT call them out by name or use identifying characteristics.

"A slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you."

-Dossie Easton

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Gushing about how awesome my husband is in a chat to my boyfriend…and my boyfriend agreeing, and telling me that he enjoys spending time with my husband in his own right, and not just because of me.

This article has a lot of flaws, but I think is an overall win for poly.

Pros: It’s a well-written, mostly balanced look at poly in a fairly mainstream media outlet. We’re getting exposure, it makes us seem normal, doesn’t paint us as freaks. That’s a win.

Cons: It raises the poly vs. swinging argument (which I believe is a flawed premise - relationship orientation is on a spectrum, in my opinion, not polarized). Why exclude anyone from the umbrella of acceptance? Why feel the need to be exclusionary? Welcome all to the party!

This is partially why I tend to use the term “non-monogamous” to describe my relationship orientation…it all falls under that definition, regardless of how you practice it.

There are also two examples of what I see as an unhealthy use of veto. One of the men asks his partner to end her relationship with her boyfriend out of insecurity, and not because it was an actual threat. And then one of the women asks her partner to break it off with someone he’s just met simply because she thought the woman MIGHT be a threat.

Neither of those is healthy. I don’t personally subscribe to the idea of veto; the idea of hurting one of my partners at the request of another partner makes my skin crawl. If one of my partners is feeling as if I am not meeting their needs, I would much rather talk about it and find a way to address it, not cause pain to myself and someone else to assuage their insecurity.

My main gripe about the article on this point is that it seems unbalanced. Two of the couples describe using veto, but the author didn’t interview someone to counterbalance that. I would have preferred that there be another person/couple/polycule in there talking about how veto can be unnecessary and why.

But, I’ll give the author a pass. She states more than once that she knew very little about this relationship choice before she began writing the article, so she made some common mistakes. My mama, discussing this article on a thread on my FB page, pointed out: 

The writer doesn’t know any better (cuz when you know better, you do better), and questioning the status quo is a dangerous thing (and in this case, couple’s privilege is the status quo). Chances are the author had never before heard of healthy open relationships, let alone known someone who has been successful with non-monogamy, and so being introduced to the concept as slowly as the majority of readers are, leads to a few oversights. Not to mention the fact that detailing the conflict creates drama in the article.

She makes some good points. Taken as a whole, I view this article as a win for us.

When I get to snuggle at a Dr. Who burlesque show with my girlfriend Rose on one side and husband Raven on the other.

When she leans over and tells me she loves me…for the first time.

When I giddily tell Raven later…and he gets just as giddy.

When I get to post about it openly on my social network…and my friends and family chime in with support and glee.

When I can’t stop crying out of sheer happiness.

Going to dinner with my husband Raven, partner Baron, and his partner (and my metamour)…and spending four hours simply chatting about nerdy things.

When I mention, once, in passing, months ago, that I really like freezing blueberries to nosh on (seriously, they’re like little mini-sorbets that way!)…and my girlfriend remembers and brings some over for dinner.

Raven and I taking our son Ripley to see Despicable Me 2…joined by my partner Baron and his children.

When my boyfriend Baron plans a family dinner with my girlfriend Rose and my husband Raven, to pamper me when I’m having a rough week.

How is my life this awesome?

When Raven’s ex-partner sees I’m having a rough day, and posts this on my Facebook wall.

Polyamory ROCKS.

Having my ex-girlfriend come over to give me a haircut, then spending the evening chatting and laughing with my husband Raven until nearly midnight.

When my boyfriend Baron comes over and helps my husband Raven to hang the television on the wall while I unpack boxes.

Making cracks about there being two studs in the living room while they were attempting to find the studs in the wall for the bolts.

When something as family-like and mundane as that is so normal that it doesn’t cross any of our minds that it’s supposed to be unusual.